Definition: A Haisley Unit is an index metric designed to provide analysis of any Billy Haisley soccer article. It is generally limited to soccer articles only, but may be used if Haisley steps outside of his portfolio. Some of the internal measures are, admittedly, subjective; however, there are some objective measures. It is hoped that these will mitigate any inflation or other measures over the middle run or until Haisley gets a job at BleacherReport. The Haisley Unit is a work in progress and any suggestions are welcome.

Derivation of Haisley Unit:

0 to 1 point for burying the lede. Depth of lede approaches 1.

0 to 1 point for slagging on the EPL and/or MLS whether or not thst slagging is deserved. Binary.

Advertisement

0 to 1 point for fluffing a continental league in full knowledge of inferiority of said league (for example: La Liga would approach 0, but the Bundeliga would lose momentum at the median. Serie A would approach 1 quickly).

0 to 1 point for hyperbole. Binary.

0 to 1 point for run-on sentences. Binary.

0 to 1 point for Messi worship. Binary. Could change to another player if Messi retires.

Advertisement

0 to 1 point for word count derived by assigning a limit of 1000 words as 1 and dividing any word count less that 1000 by 1000 rounding to the nearest 100th place.

0 to 1 point for bulk number of adverbs derived by dividing by 100.

0 to 1 point for tortured logic. Binary.

0 to 1 point for using any football cliche. Binary. Exception is “puttin’ ‘er into the ol’ onion bag,” which is just fucking awesome.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter